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Toilet paper

Toilet paper – a thin sanitary absorbent paper usually in a roll for use in drying or cleaning oneself after defecation and urination

(via toilet paper)

Thin I understand. I shun the over-marketed thickness of many commercial brands and their ilk of fluffy rolls. But thin like the rice paper Kwai Chang Caine had to carefully traverse to earn the Kung Fu tattoos famously burned into his forearms by carrying a cauldron of hot coals outside to the snow? That’s too thin.

Thin & stiff don’t sound like they go together, but you’ll find that very combination in many public restrooms. You have to wad up 50 yards of this stuff–6 inches at a time because it tears so easy–to have anything useful for the task at hand. Not only that, but it brings the tender feel of something like a ball of aluminum foil to your rear.

The last major adjective to describe public restroom toilet paper is narrow, not to be confused with thin. The width, not thickness, of much of the public offerings is about an inch narrowing than what most people buy for their home. This exacerbates the problems of rolling off enough to dutifully do its duties.

Get it? Duties. Doodies. Anyway.

Want to win me over business-with-a-public restroom? Give me good toilet paper. It’s one of those garnishes on an experience like fresh ground pepper on your salad or drizzling chocolate syrup in a pattern over dessert. Even better, it’s providing the right tool for the job. Stop giving us a hammer when we need a phillips head and leaving us banging on the stall door, screwed, with our pants around our ankles.